Coming out on the other side.

This time last year, it was amazing. Me and my partner just moved together. We were getting ready to start our plans and our future together. After so long of being miserable and unhappy, I was finally getting back on my feet, or that’s what I thought.

On March 13th 2017, it was a normal day. Alex got up and started to get ready for work. That morning, I had a lay in as I wasn’t in work till later on that day. Around 8.10 Alex left and shortly after that, I started to bleed heavily. I remember going to the toilet, I had a massive clot come out and I was scared. I rang the doctors and booked myself in for an emergency appointment.

I got there, I told them my situation. They decided they wanted me to take a pregnancy test, at first I was thinking “that’s silly, I know I’m not” but as I thought about it, I realised I had missed my period by just over a week. I went to the toilet, I did the test and it came back positive. The doctor wasn’t happy, so later on they sent me up the hospital.

Once I got there, I rang Alex and told him he had to get there. When he arrived, I had just been called in for my blood tests (to check my HCG levels) and straight after that, I had to go for an internal scan.

Sadly, once we went for the scan, there was no heartbeat. We lost our baby. I clung onto Alex, he held me in his arms as he was crying and told me “It will be okay, I promise” but at that time, it was just words. I went numb, I broke down. Even though we never planned to have a baby, to lose one.. I could never describe the pain.

For a long time after, we was both down. We started arguing, constantly bickering because we couldn’t talk about it. One night, we got into a major fight and I walked out. I went to the park and just sat outside, in the rain. He found out where I was and came and got me and took me home. When we got home, we decided to sit down and write a letter to our baby.

“Dear baby,
Your mother and I have decided to write you this letter because you never had the chance to meet us.
We are so very sorry that we couldn’t protect you, we didn’t know that we were having a baby and when we did, it was already to late and you were gone.
Even though we wasn’t ready for you, just know we both love you with all of our hearts and we would’ve loved to meet you.
We are both really upset that you never got the chance to see the world. We promise that no matter what happens, we will always care for you. Even though we may have more kids in the future, you will always be our first baby and we will never forget you.
I’m sorry we couldn’t watch you grow, I’m sorry we couldn’t see your first smile or laugh. I’m sorry that we never will get the chance to see you walk. I’m sorry baby. You are in a better place. we love you, mum and dad”.

After this, we went up to the castle, to our favourite spot and we burned the letter. The pain I felt was horrible, but I also felt free.

One year on, I’m still not okay. I still wonder “Why did it happen to us”. I still ask the same questions “Would you have been a boy or a girl?” “Would you have looked like mummy or daddy?” Sadly, we will never know.

But what i do know, is that mummy and daddy have an angel forever looking over us and protecting us and that is the greatest gift of all. 💕