There is no place like home..

4 months ago, me and Alex decided to pack our bags and leave Aberystwyth to start our new journey together. Even though Newport was such a lovely town, it wasn’t right for us, it was never gonna be right for us because it wasn’t home.

2 weeks ago, we came home just for the weekend to see family members and friends. We never went back.

Yesterday; we moved into our new property. It took us around 10 hours from start to finish. Right now, this is the favourite part of my house. You will probably think why? It’s because a picture speaks a thousand words.

After so long of not getting along with my stepson mother, finally now to sone degree we have put our issues aside for this little boy. It’s amazing to have him around, It’s amazing watching him grow up into the kind and caring little boy that we know he is. He is funny, loving and just super adorable and now, I could not imagine him not being around us.

So here is to the future, as a family.

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They say it’s weird, I think it’s flattering.

Some people would think it’s totally weird having someone watch them like a hawk but to me; I think it’s flattering.

You see over the last two years of my life, I have certain people watch what I do, what I write, copy how I do my makeup and hair, copy my poses in pictures, even messaging other bloggers that I am working with on my project and saying my work is fake (thanks L.O.C and C.O.T, i appreciate the email) and basically whatever other success I get they like to destroy.

It amazes me; because to be fair, I am NOTHING special. I’m just a girl who wants to live her dreams and just to be happy. The thing is, I don’t have to do anything. I live in this person’s head, every single day, rent free, no bills to pay, nada. I’m just always on her mind, so badly infact it’s ruined relationships with her partners.

What would you do if someone was like this with you? Would you see it as negativity? Would you want to destory it?

Don’t. Continue on with your day to day life. Do what YOU want to do. Live your dreams, go wild. Just remember, jealousy is an illness, one day they might get better. If not, that’s a shame. You don’t live to please others, be yourself, be true to you.

The jealous are troublesome to others, but a torment to themselves – William Penn.

Being Becka.

Hi, as you all know I’m Becka. I am a 21 year old girl from a small town in Wales and I have big hopes and dreams. Right now as we speak, I am making those dreams come real and in 2 weeks time I can offically call myself a Makeup Artist after studying so hard for the last 9 weeks with my online course. I was born in London; back in ’96. My parents are my world. I have an older sister who I’m amazingly close to and a brother who I physically stand. I thank my family for making me into the woman I am, for helping me to achieve the things I want and just always being there.

I’m a chocolate lover, but allergic to nuts. It’s quite crap cause I have to carry around my Epipen. I’m a fussy eater; I can’t stand my food touching and if it does, I won’t eat it. I hate the cold, but love winter nights – to me it’s beautiful.

My life goals is to become a Makeup Artist. The main reason I want to do this is because I want to make others feel comfortable in their skin. In a few weeks time I head to London for my first ever big shoot. I’m nervous, but yet so excited. For a little while now, I’ve been looking into cosmetic surgery makeup (for people who have acid accidents, scars, facial impairment, birthmarks; etc etc) and this is somewhere where I really want to go. I have also got my portfolio work finally complete and I’m just ready!

My favourite memory is when I got engaged. It’s been 9 months now and it still feels like yesterday Alex got down on one knee and proposed. It was a special night. It was our first anniversary, he took me out for a wine and dine & then we walked along the beach. I kept walking and talking not realising he had stopped and when I did realise, I turned around and just saw that smile and in that moment; nothing else was anymore perfect.

Regrets I don’t have any because the way I see it; is that life has to throw you obsticles or has to put you in different directions for you to be happy. So here is to 21 years of being Becka!

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I have had a few emails of people wanting to share their stories on my page. If you would like to become a part of “Being yourself” please either email me or message me on my page on Facebook – Thankyou. LINKS ARE BELOW:

http://www.facebook.com/beingbeckaa

Email; rldh.96@gmail.com

Goodbye..

Grief is a funny thing. It can make you feel all kinds of emotions, or it can make you feel nothing at all.

Right now; I feel empty. I’m in shock. I feel like nothing is going to get better. At 4.30am I was all nice, cwtched up in bed and enjoying my sleep. I got woken up to a phone call of my sister.

Her words to me was “Beck, are you okay? We need to speak”. I replied with “I was okay until you woke me up, what’s going on?” She said to me “Auntie Trisha is gone”. In that moment, I didn’t really understand. I said to her “What do you mean she’s gone?” And her reply to me was “She’s passed away, she went around 2am”.

I shot out of bed, turned my light on and started pacing around the house. What do you do when someone you love suddenly passes away? What do you feel? How do you cope?

Since finding out, I have been walking around my house, going back and forth into my rooms and not knowing how to feel.

Death to me has been a rollercoaster ride. My best friend passed away suddenly back in 2014 and now it’s the same as my Aunt. They both went in their sleeps. They both went to the same hospital after they passed on. It feels like I am reliving what has happened all over again.

This point of time in my life has been the most hardest time. Losing a close family member a day before her own birthday and two days before my sister’s wedding has come to a huge shock. My brain doesn’t know how to get to terms with the fact that I will never see her again.

I feel lost, I feel shocked, I feel empty.

The fact that within the next couple of weeks I have to say goodbye to someone I love, crumbles me inside. But I know wherever she has gone, she is happy, she is at peace.

As a family we don’t know what to do or say, my mum has lost her sister. Me, my sister and brother have lost an Auntie. My Uncle has lost his Wife. We are going to have different kinds of grief, but as a family, we do it together.

Goodbye Auntie Trisha, you were a beautiful person inside and out. I promise you that no matter what, we will all make you proud and give you the send of that you deserve.

I will ALWAYS love you. You are forever in my heart. Fly free. 😔💕

November 22nd.

November 22nd is a day that will always be close to my heart. It’s the day me and Alex got together and became strong. It’s the day that we got engaged on and became one. It will also be the day that we say our vows and overcome anything life throws at us.

I’ve never really liked November. Although it’s such a beautiful month, its the month of sadness for me. My best friend sadly passed away back in November 2014 and it is something that I have always found hard to deal with.

But since meeting Alex. He helped me overcome my fears, my upsets, my torments. He has been there holding my hand and has also held me close in his arms when I need to let the pain out.

Not only am I marrying a guy who loves and supports me every day, but I am marrying a guy who is my soul mate. He is my true love and I can’t wait to be his wife.

Here’s to making more memories, and sharing our special day with all our loved ones. 💕

It comes in waves…

Anxiety is having this huge weight on your chest, it feels like it crushed you and it walks all over you. You struggle to breathe. You struggle cause you don’t know where to turn. You can’t hide your emotions, because your emotions are drowning you.

Depression is this feeling of not knowing if you are coming or going. You can’t think straight, you can’t sit down and focus, you can’t do your day to day activities. You find it hard to go out, to get a shower and sometimes it’s just hard to get out of bed.

OCD is a feeling of not being able to settle down. You can over think, you can over complicate every tiny thing in your mind. You’re obsessed and you feel crazy and no matter how many times you try and hide it, Its always there.

Anger is a burning feeling. Wether that being to someone you don’t like, or something that can cause you pain. In my eyes, Anger bulids up over time. You can’t just go from Happy to Angry in a matter of 0.01 seconds. It takes time and when it shows and comes out, by god it can be the most frightening thing.

The reason I wanted to explain all of this tonight, is because these are the 4 types of Mental Health that I have been diagnosed with. Over the last four weeks, I have sat there and I have felt sorry for myself. Not anymore.

It’s time for me to take back my life. It’s gonna be hard and it’s going to be alot of work, but I am my own boss.

So to everyone who is out there that is suffering. You have got this. Today it may not seem like you can get through it, but tomorrow is a NEW day, it’s a NEW start.

So wake up, get yourself out of bed and make a nice cup of tea or coffee and remember, by you doing that – you are proving to yourself that you are alot stronger than you think!

It gets hard, but remember it does get easier.

The reason I wanted to share this today, is to hopefully get out there that Mental health is an issue. Yes, alot of people do not see it as an illness, because it isn’t a physical illness such as a cold, the flu, etc etc, but it is an emotional illness and it can tear and break you down within minutes.

In the back of my mind, I have always suffered with Mental Health. One day, I can be great, I can be happy and the next, I can be in the corner of the room, sitting on the floor, burying my head in my hands, losing control.

This last week I have lost control. Now, I didn’t really want to go into this but I feel like if I want to get my story out there for others to realise that it’s okay to not be okay, then I have too.

So here it goes; I thought by moving to a new place, meeting new people, starting over my life would be the fresh start, but really it isn’t. Not right now anyways. The last two years, I have had so much stress to deal with, my children aren’t at home, Ive suffered two miscarriages, I have had grief of people who I can’t get along with, I thought that by focusing on the postives things, that the negative things wouldn’t get to me, but I was wrong.

Thursday night, I broke down. I don’t know what happened, but I had this huge weight on my chest and I couldn’t shrug it off, no matter how many times I tried. I lost control. After so long of thinking of the positives, moving away, getting a new home, starting a new job, I took my foot of the pedal and slowed down and as I did that, it broke me.

The next few nights after that, I can’t even describe. I was a walking mess, I hadn’t ate, I hadn’t slept, I kept walking back and forth in the same room making a hole in the floor. I couldn’t concentrate, I couldn’t sit back and watch television.

Sunday night though, that was the worst. I physically broke down. (Warning- self harm). It was around 7-8 at night, I hadn’t slept or ate properly in 4 days, I was losing my mind and I thought I was losing myself. I was fine, for that moment in time, but something took control of me and by the time I knew anything, I looked at my arms and I saw that I had hurt myself. I remember screaming for Alex, crying because I didn’t know what I could do. He ran to the bathroom, got our towels out of the cupboard, placed them on my arms and rang the NHS phoneline. While he was on the phone to the NHS, I went after the knives in the kitchen, and made a few more deep cuts in my forearm. By this point, me and Alex were both in tears, stressed up to our eyeballs and scared of what was going to happen next.

Half hour later, the police shown up, they had to remove any sharp or blunt objects away from me and keep me in their sight until the Ambulance came. When the amblance came, I went straight to hospital. I had a nurse asking me “What’s wrong?” “Why are you hurting yourself?” And I just remember saying “I don’t know anymore.” After that, I had to wait to see the psychiatric team. To try and talk about my feelings, but because of the wait and being worried, I just wanted to come home and dive into my bed and remember that none of this happened.

Yesterday, I bulit up the guts to go and see a Doctor. The Doctor was so lovely, so down to earth and made me feel like it’s okay. He told me that 1 in 5 people suffer with Mental Health and that alot of people don’t take it seriously.

My question is – Why? Just because it isn’t a physical illness, it is still an illness that millions of people go through everyday. It makes me sad that before I tried getting my help properly yesterday, that I was turned down 3 times before I saw someone. Now, what would’ve happened if that was someone else? Someone who tried to get the help but everybody turned them away because they thought that illness wasn’t as serious as someone who is suffering a stroke, a heart attack.

My point of this matter is – there are so many innocent people out there who take their lives every single day. Mental Health shouldn’t be laughed at, nor should it just be swept along. The people that are coming to you for help are the ones admitting that they need the help. They shouldn’t be turned away or be made to feel like they are not good enough.

The moral to this story is – that no matter what happens, eventually everything does get better. You will become “Normal” and you WILL get back up on your feet. I’ve been prescribed diazepam for my Anxiety, Mirtazapine for my anti-depressiants and also to help me sleep better and a few other things and seeing as this was day one, I am feeling better.

It will take time for me to get back on my feet, it will take time for me to be who i was and not a shell, and I know that this feeling I have won’t last forever, because I know deep down that I am strong enough to get through this.

So guys, just remember – take everyday as it comes, if you need to cry, cry. If you need support, do not be afraid to ever ask someone for help, and please just remember that this feeling, it will go after time.

Before I go, I wanted to say thankyou to everyone who messaged me and who was there to make sure I was okay, even the people that I don’t get along with, because with you guys sharing your expierences with me makes me feel like I am human and that it is okay to fall apart.

I hope with you all reading this and seeing an insight of my story, helps you in some kind of way. 💗