The reason I wanted to share this today, is to hopefully get out there that Mental health is an issue. Yes, alot of people do not see it as an illness, because it isn’t a physical illness such as a cold, the flu, etc etc, but it is an emotional illness and it can tear and break you down within minutes.
In the back of my mind, I have always suffered with Mental Health. One day, I can be great, I can be happy and the next, I can be in the corner of the room, sitting on the floor, burying my head in my hands, losing control.
This last week I have lost control. Now, I didn’t really want to go into this but I feel like if I want to get my story out there for others to realise that it’s okay to not be okay, then I have too.
So here it goes; I thought by moving to a new place, meeting new people, starting over my life would be the fresh start, but really it isn’t. Not right now anyways. The last two years, I have had so much stress to deal with, my children aren’t at home, Ive suffered two miscarriages, I have had grief of people who I can’t get along with, I thought that by focusing on the postives things, that the negative things wouldn’t get to me, but I was wrong.
Thursday night, I broke down. I don’t know what happened, but I had this huge weight on my chest and I couldn’t shrug it off, no matter how many times I tried. I lost control. After so long of thinking of the positives, moving away, getting a new home, starting a new job, I took my foot of the pedal and slowed down and as I did that, it broke me.
The next few nights after that, I can’t even describe. I was a walking mess, I hadn’t ate, I hadn’t slept, I kept walking back and forth in the same room making a hole in the floor. I couldn’t concentrate, I couldn’t sit back and watch television.
Sunday night though, that was the worst. I physically broke down. (Warning- self harm). It was around 7-8 at night, I hadn’t slept or ate properly in 4 days, I was losing my mind and I thought I was losing myself. I was fine, for that moment in time, but something took control of me and by the time I knew anything, I looked at my arms and I saw that I had hurt myself. I remember screaming for Alex, crying because I didn’t know what I could do. He ran to the bathroom, got our towels out of the cupboard, placed them on my arms and rang the NHS phoneline. While he was on the phone to the NHS, I went after the knives in the kitchen, and made a few more deep cuts in my forearm. By this point, me and Alex were both in tears, stressed up to our eyeballs and scared of what was going to happen next.
Half hour later, the police shown up, they had to remove any sharp or blunt objects away from me and keep me in their sight until the Ambulance came. When the amblance came, I went straight to hospital. I had a nurse asking me “What’s wrong?” “Why are you hurting yourself?” And I just remember saying “I don’t know anymore.” After that, I had to wait to see the psychiatric team. To try and talk about my feelings, but because of the wait and being worried, I just wanted to come home and dive into my bed and remember that none of this happened.
Yesterday, I bulit up the guts to go and see a Doctor. The Doctor was so lovely, so down to earth and made me feel like it’s okay. He told me that 1 in 5 people suffer with Mental Health and that alot of people don’t take it seriously.
My question is – Why? Just because it isn’t a physical illness, it is still an illness that millions of people go through everyday. It makes me sad that before I tried getting my help properly yesterday, that I was turned down 3 times before I saw someone. Now, what would’ve happened if that was someone else? Someone who tried to get the help but everybody turned them away because they thought that illness wasn’t as serious as someone who is suffering a stroke, a heart attack.
My point of this matter is – there are so many innocent people out there who take their lives every single day. Mental Health shouldn’t be laughed at, nor should it just be swept along. The people that are coming to you for help are the ones admitting that they need the help. They shouldn’t be turned away or be made to feel like they are not good enough.
The moral to this story is – that no matter what happens, eventually everything does get better. You will become “Normal” and you WILL get back up on your feet. I’ve been prescribed diazepam for my Anxiety, Mirtazapine for my anti-depressiants and also to help me sleep better and a few other things and seeing as this was day one, I am feeling better.
It will take time for me to get back on my feet, it will take time for me to be who i was and not a shell, and I know that this feeling I have won’t last forever, because I know deep down that I am strong enough to get through this.
So guys, just remember – take everyday as it comes, if you need to cry, cry. If you need support, do not be afraid to ever ask someone for help, and please just remember that this feeling, it will go after time.
Before I go, I wanted to say thankyou to everyone who messaged me and who was there to make sure I was okay, even the people that I don’t get along with, because with you guys sharing your expierences with me makes me feel like I am human and that it is okay to fall apart.
I hope with you all reading this and seeing an insight of my story, helps you in some kind of way. 💗